So I'm currently laying on my bed, swaddled up in blankets, covered in an absolutely unsanitary number of snot tissues, being a total Mouthbreather. (If you don't get that reference, get on Netflix asap.) I'm sick. In fact, I think it's the flu. Whatever bug had been making its way around our campus and then around my office. It finally got me. I can't breathe out of my nose and every inch of my body aches. I'm spending hours at a time in that constant state of eyes-watering, short-rapid-inhaling, I'm-about-to-sneeze but then-I-never-do state and it's honestly infuriating. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm truly out for the count. There's not much I'm equipped to do right now.
And it's the middle of the workday. The sunshine is gorgeously streaming through my blinds and onto my sun soaked bed, a sight I never see on a Thursday, as I usually leave my house at 5:40am for yoga and return after work when the rays are creeping through the front of the house before they set for the night. I literally dream of being home to just embrace this. To sit in my bed with a book and a cup of tea and soak in the quietness of being somewhere I never get to be. To have time to binge watch a whole season of Criminal Minds or a few tasteless but somehow amusing Rom Coms. Just to sink into my couch with no phone to answer or people to answer to. I crave this.
And today I enjoyed it. For about… 2 hours. Now I'm finding myself getting up every 4 minutes trying to organize the pantry. Or sort out that stack of mail that's been piling up on our kitchen counter for weeks. Or clean the toilet, cuz what time will I ever have to do that if not on a workday I'm not actually at work? I mean I started a freakin' sick day to-do list!
So why is this so hard? I mean I spend all my crazy busy days just wishing I could have this kind of time to do absolutely nothing. So why is sitting still so. darn. impossible?
I've always chalked it up to being Type A. The perfectionist in me just can't not be working. I'm ambitious. I'm a go-getter. I work hard. Can't stop, won't stop, right? Isn't that a good thing?
No. No, it's really not. It's destructive. And it's truly the root of all my problems- my disordered eating included. I never stop. I never rest. I never breathe. Because I have to control. I have to change my surroundings and control my experiences. I can't just sit and give my body rest because every inch of me is fighting it- feels like it needs to work. To prove. To earn.
When God calls us to “be still” He's not just talking about our physical bodies. Sure, we should rest. Relax. Cuddle up and be still. But he's truly calling us to “be still” in our hearts.
It's easy to meditate on the first two words, but it's what comes after the comma that really gets to our hearts. He calls us not just to be still, but to know that He is God. Almighty, all powerful, merciful, loving God. To know that He is in control. That any semblance of control I think I have over my life is truly just a mockery of the power He has to move all things.
So yeah, this is hard. Which I know doesn't make sense since you'd think stopping would be a whole hell of a lot easier than constantly striving. But it's really really hard. Because the deepest sin in my life- the one that chips at my heart daily, that speaks lies into my soul and keeps me from His goodness- is the lie that I am in control. That I can control. That I should control.
But I'm workin on it. I want to be better by not trying to be better at all. I want to truly learn to rest in the peace He calls me to trust in. And today that means grabbing my current read, a hot cup of my favorite immunity tea (and apparently Gunner's bringing his favorite owl) and resting. Surrendering. Acknowledging my weakness. My limits. And falling at the foot of the cross in wonder and worship over His amazing power.
So if you also suck at rest, I hope you learn to relish in it. I hope with every ounce of my heart that you soak in the freedom He grants us in knowing that He is God. In surrendering the control to Him and being still in the glory of that gift.
Got thoughts? I'd love to hear them! This is a conversation I'd love to keep moving. Leave me your thoughts in the insta comments here and let's keep chatting. In the meantime, I'll be over here learning to do the same. xx, molls